Lauren and Jeff Give Thanks from the Bunker
“I’m grateful I woke up sexy as hell again today,” a drowsy but contented Lauren Sánchez Bezos said.
That was her first item of the day to be grateful for. She had two more to go, but it was her husband’s turn. She waited politely as he, Jeff Bezos, the third richest man in the world, came up with something he was grateful for.
His eager arms encircled her naked waist. “I’m grateful you woke up sexy as hell again today,” he murmured in her ear.
Lauren’s skin was slightly redolent of human being. They had just woken from a wonderful night’s sleep, were still in bed, hadn’t showered yet, hinc ergo1 Ms. Sánchez Bezos smelled slightly of herself, which was by no means bad. Showering was the single activity that parted the soul mates for ever so short a period of time. The voluntary separation had an important purpose: while their souls mingled always, they wanted to maintain distinct body smells throughout business hours with third parties. That involved a painful sequestration every morning during which each submitted his or her own separate and distinct body to a routine of some duration that involved applying to those bodies distinctly different arrays of soaps, gels, shampoos (Jeff not so much), and pomades (Jeff not so much) in order for each to achieve his or her own distinctive odor, otherwise referred to as fragrance, sometimes a brand, and, in their case, an aura, which they exuded separately and distinctly with aplomb throughout the day.
But we are getting ahead of ourselves. It was still morning, they were still in their wonderful bed in their very own mansion on the very exclusive private island in Miami called “Billionaire Bunker” watching the wonderful sun rise over the Earth to shine down in great particular favor on them, and, inevitably, smelling very slightly of themselves. Which, as hinted above, they didn’t mind too much. And they were engaged in the greatest discipline of their day: naming three things they were grateful for.
With a puckish giggle, Lauren said, “I am grateful for my ‘je ne sais quoi.’”
Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez Bezos had made a vow to each other the moment they joined in wedded bliss not to begin any of their wonderful days together until they had listed three things they were grateful for.2 They were not allowed to repeat what they had said the day before, but if the exercise got too tough and racking their brains got them nowhere, they were allowed a peek at the lists compiled for them by their assistants to help them discharge this exercise with dignity and some speed. Should that need to peek arise, each had agreed to refrain from accusing the other of cheating.
But Jeff’s response this particular morning had put Lauren in a mood. He had wriggled out of his first “I am grateful for” item a little too easily. But the wide smile playing across her supple, unrouged, sucker-punch-puffy lips showed she was a happy, happy woman. “Up to here,” she had once said, holding her carefully manicured hand, leveled like a trowel, up to her pert nose, considered a moment, then lifted her hand to above her pert head. “I’m happy up to here. Other people are only happy up to here.” She had lowered her hand to her chest, thought for a moment, then dropped her hand along with the comparison.
It was only after deep thought that Lauren came up with her second item to be grateful for. With a puckish giggle, she said, “I am grateful for my ‘je ne sais quoi.’”
Jeff pressed himself against her hard and whispered his second item without hesitation. “I am grateful for your ‘je ne sais quoi.’”
Lauren slumped back. She pursed her lips prettily, but no human eye could tell because of her periodic puffy-lip treatments that had become so much a part of her “je ne sais quoi” look, which Jeff liked so very much, and Lauren did, too. After a moment of clouded brow, she burst out:
“I’m grateful I’m not a dunce like you who can only repeat what I say I’m grateful for!”
Jeff was on her like tomato ketchup on an Oval Office dining room wall one December day some years ago:3 “And I’m grateful you’re not a dunce like me!”
Well, at least he admitted it, Lauren sighed, snuggling her unwashed head against her wonderful husband’s unwashed breast. They did love each other so. And they did love their lives so. And they did love their love nest on Billionaire Bunker so. And they were so very lucky and so very grateful even if they couldn’t quite say why. Perhaps she should leave it at that.
It was the right decision because in lieu of further discussion, she and Mr. Amazon let their smells mingle for a good long time before they headed to their distinctive shower rooms, one for ladies’ smells, one for men’s.
- Hence therefore. ↩︎
- Or something like that. https://www.nytimes.com/2026/04/11/business/lauren-sanchez-bezos-jeff-bezos.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share ↩︎
- On December 1, 2020, Attorney General William Barr told Associated Press there wasn’t enough evidence to prove widespread fraud during the 2020 election. Trump was not pleased. https://www.ap.org/news-highlights/best-of-the-week/2020/exclusive-interview-with-attorney-general-barr-nets-massive-scoop/ ↩︎