The Savor of the Greenback
A tweet galvanized the country. As per usual, it came in the very dead of night when the master tweeter was so very much alive. The country had learned to hark during the witching hours when the most brilliant of tweets were known to issue from the Trump Tweet Room. This one was a humdinger:
“AS PER NOW, all U.S. currency is FAKE. As per NOW, DIRE CONSEQUENCES await all who use, spend, accept, earn, or steal FAKE U.S. MONEY which AS OF NOW has been recalled — ALL OF IT — and must be sent to MAR-A-LAGO, where said fake money will be turned into real money immediately by the ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO IT, which is ME, and returned immediately, or very soon. Real money, as of NOW, is money signed by PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP ONLY. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President Donald J. Trump
P:S: HOARDERS CANNOT ESCAPE! MY SQUADS WILL SEARCH EVERY MATTRESS IN EVERY HOME IN EVERY COMMUNITY IN THE COUNTRY. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER! PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERCA (and Venezuela very soon!) DJT”
With the country in an uproar, a crisp press release was issued nearly immediately stating somewhat incoherently: “In honor of the 250th anniversary of the United States of America, President Donald J. Trump’s signature will appear on U.S. paper currency, marking the first time in history for a sitting president.”1 Which did not quite explain why all U.S. currency was suddenly illegal.
The cheery Secretary of the Treasury Scott Bessent was glad to explain: “Under President Trump’s leadership, we are on a path toward unprecedented economic growth, lasting dollar dominance, and fiscal strength and stability. There is no more powerful way to recognize the historic achievements of our great country and President Donald J. Trump than U.S dollar bills bearing his name.” Which did not quite explain why all U.S. currency was now illegal.
Dear, wonderful Americans, all money in your possession is herewith and necessarily declared illegal and forfeit and must be surrendered immediately to President Trump at Mar-a-Lago.
As it was too embarrassing — and risky — to say Trump had gotten both the timing and the significance of his signature on U.S. currency wrong, the Treasury decided to go all in on Trump’s spastic mistake. His billionaire face oozing enthusiasm, Secretary Bessent tried to make it all crystal clear:
“Dear, wonderful Americans and all you other happy people earning, spending, or collecting what turns out to be illegal U.S. cash: be advised that, in accordance with our honored President’s announcement, it is forthwith the law of the land that the single genuine currency of the land is money signed by President Donald J. Trump himself only. Since none of the currency you have was signed by him, mainly because this wasn’t thought up until a few hours ago, all money in your possession is herewith and necessarily declared illegal and forfeit and must be surrendered immediately to President Trump at Mar-a-Lago, where he will make it legal by personally signing said bills.
Secretary Bessent continued, his tone turning wonderfully severe: “Those who hesitate, beware! Trump’s versatile ICE squads are roaming the streets fully equipped and already raiding homes suspected of harboring beds and/or mattresses, subjecting the same to punishing searches, confiscating all monies found therein, and driving hoarders out into the street, whether fully clothed or not, where they shall be pepper-sprayed, shoved about, cussed out, apprehended and, with the greatest dispatch, thrown on a trash heap of misery, most likely in El Salvador or Eritrea.”
A quaint angle of the glorious project required patience on the part of the forgiving public, which the unctuous secretary now prepared them for. Flashing a dimpled smile that made one draw back, the cherubic Bessent pointed out without shame in a lighter voice, almost carefree: “Turning U.S. currency into legal currency, namely, signing all those dollar bills is a big job and will take our President some time. While he bends to the task, you are expected to make do with any nickels, dimes, or quarters you can scrounge up. Be ye, however, warned that Kennedy half-dollars don’t count. Our President discovered them to be fake some time ago and, being fake, requires all such coins — especially the solid silver ones — be sent to Mar-a-Lago along with your currency of all denominations.”
Secretary Bessent drew breath, smiled his cozy, cringey smile, but paused. The task now before him was ticklish in the extreme and, he felt, a little unfair. He knew exactly where Noem and Bondi had landed for botching their jobs, which had been nothing compared to what he was supposed to do. You see, it was up to him to induce — well, the secretary put it best:
“So rise up, great Americans. Rise up, great migrants of America. Rise up, all you busy-footed people making money. Rise up, great patriots. Rise up, all ye who are keeping money on your person, in your pockets, in your houses, in your tents, or under those mattresses. Rise up, everyone, and make your greatest, most consequential sacrifice to your county by sending all your money to President Trump today. Specifically, put all the currency you can get your hands on in a sizable, unmarked vanilla envelope and mail it forthwith to where the president awaits it, to wit, Mar-a-Lago. President Trump has set aside his entire weekend to re-legitimize your American money by adding his signature to it and will forthwith send your legalized tender back to you just as soon as he is able.”
While they waited for their money to be returned, which could take some little time, Secretary Bessent admitted, the government would tweet out a certificate of bankruptcy they were to print out and post on their doors. Thus would Trump’s righteous raiders be informed not to kick in their door, but to move on to kick in the door of the next dwelling.
The president had obliged himself — all by himself — to swamp-trek through 56 tons of paper money.
The emergency transformation of U.S. currency into Trump currency had to be paid for, of course, and Secretary Bessent pole-vaulted right into action to land squarely on that base. Purely on his own initiative, that is to say, without breathing a word to the President, the secretary immediately revoked federal funding for infant formula, which had been costing the nation $1.6 billion a year for some time. With the measles epidemic working its evolutionary way through the poorer communities, there would — luckily — be less need for it.
The secretary knew, of course, that a measly $1.6 billion would never cover Trump’s weekend of grunt work. In fact, he suspected Trump was perhaps unprepared for the task ahead of him. The President had obliged himself — all by himself — to swamp-trek through 56 tons of paper money, if it all came in, which Bessent fully expected it would, and decide, bill by bill, which legal tender to sign and which was too yucky to bother with.
Even if Trump accomplished his Herculean task, the fate of the newly legitimate currency — to wit, those bills bearing his signature — was uncertain. The public had been instructed to send their money in unmarked vanilla envelopes. Packages that did not conform to those instructions exactly — which was impossible since vanilla envelopes were not to be had — released Trump from any obligation to return them.
The bills too scruffy for Trump’s attention were handled with greater care. Rather than signing and returning subpar paper currency, he planned to use the grungy bills to buy $TRUMP meme coins. Instead of getting back their crappy, albeit, legal, dollar bills, proud new owners of $TRUMP meme coins could look forward to receiving their very own personal transaction record embedded on a blockchain designated by their very own blockchain transaction hash, which they could show to friends and creditors alike if they happened to have access to a self-custody wallet like Phantom or Trust Wallet. However, because of the high volume of fake “TRUMP” tokens, $TRUMP owners were urged to make sure their proof of purchase corresponded to the officially recognized contract address typically starting with “6p6xgHy,” if they could figure out how.
Those rare individuals left eagerly awaiting their new legal Trump currency were advised by Secretary Bessent not to be anxious. By the time America’s Semiquincentennial rolled around, their Trump currency, though legal, would be worth next to nothing.