Trump Takes a Flying Chop at a Pip-Squeak

President Donald J. Trump and Vice President JD Vance did not bully Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky on Friday. They ganged up on him. 

Before our eyes, we saw Zelensky take a verbal lambasting such as never before witnessed between heads of state. The scuffle did not disgrace the Ukrainian president, who met the challenge with pluck in English — not his first or even his second language — yet was master enough of it to understand the barbs hurled from the corner where Vance coiled and defend his dignity, station, and country to warrant the unusual compliment of having himself and his delegation dismissed afterwards. Not by Trump, who wouldn’t face him again, but by Trump’s servants, Marco Rubio and Michael Waltz, on whom Trump had bestowed positions of high office to carry out just such tasks.

No, the disgrace of that encounter lay squarely with vituperative Vance and peevish Trump, who took turns dishing out their pusillanimous blows. What would have been the outcome, one wonders, had Vance pinned Zelensky down while Trump kicked him in the face? Would Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) have rushed in to interrupt? But those maneuvers are barred for now.¹

Impervious to the indignity of the attack, Trump breathed exhilaration afterward: “This is going to be great television.”

Wrong. It had been great television, with Russian president Vladimir Putin now aware of what his karate kid was capable when unscripted moments presented themselves. Yes, the dumpy martial arts master himself² — high-ranking advocate of ice hockey and icy dips, too — had been watching and shown evident satisfaction, as reported by some not so near by. The vaguest of highly questionable reports had it that some had overheard him giggle, “ох мальчик, ох мальчик, ох мальчик.”³

Zelensky himself had broached the prospect of Ukraine’s rare-earth minerals — something Trump hadn’t had time to look up but had been told they were expensive and everybody wanted them, which was good enough for Trump.

Now that Trump kicked butt a little, the parts of his brain he was aware of cleared a bit and, lo and behold, the way forward was obvious. Zelensky himself had broached the prospect of Ukraine’s rare-earth minerals — something Trump hadn’t had time to look up but had been told they were expensive and everybody wanted them, which was good enough for Trump. For his neat new idea, Trump didn’t even have to ask anyone because it was so obvious because he was such a smart person. Too bad he had turned Zelensky away like that before getting his signature on that little agreement — all drawn up and ready, too. But Zelensky would come whimpering back. They all did. And once that deal was signed, bang! The war would be over, just as Trump had promised. So, okay, he didn’t end it by the time of his inauguration, or even within 24 hours of his inauguration, but maybe he never said he would, either. Maybe he would not remember saying any such thing.

All that mattered now was that Trump was about to cinch another great deal, this one to dig-dig-dig all those “rare earths” out of Ukrainian ground. It was perfect. It assured Zelensky and lots of other concerned nations that the U.S. presence in Ukraine would deter Russia from invading again. But, surprise! All those companies and workers and equipment rolling in were going to be Russian subcontractors. It only made sense. The Russians were so much closer and would be so much more cost-effective than sending over Americans. Trump wouldn’t even have to make phony excuses about that; anyone could see it.

With those Russian subcontractors swarming all over the place, it was important for Russian military forces to stay right where they were to protect all those workers and heavy equipment and bulldozers and precious rare-earths booty, too, from marauding Ukrainians and make sure Trump got his fair share, or more, even. 

With all that Russian paraphernalia snuggled in there busy and belligerent, how would Zelensky get any of it out without threatening U.S. financial interests, thus risking that third world war Trump had warned him about? Zelensky wouldn’t dare twitch, and once again, Trump the peace-maker would be heralded throughout the world as having struck again. Certainly, this maneuver would make him the only reasonable candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize this time around. 

---

1. “Let’s give it 3 1/2 years to see what happens,” a right-wing faithful said about Trump’s methods. “May not like the route it’s taking, but the end result is really all that matters.” Like an end result of sending Zelensky to the emergency room? or discrediting him globally without justification? That right-wing supporter had been providing reassurances about a similar matter Trump had undertaken, also with dubious intent and efficacy: dumping immigrants resident in the United States at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp while telling the American public they were the worst of the worst without looking at their cases. The glaring problem our right-wing supporter admits to is not knowing what the end result is supposed to be: “Many don’t understand that it’s all done with a bigger picture in mind. What that bigger picture is, none of us truly know.” ↩︎
2. Putin has been practicing judo since he was 11, before switching to the combat sport of sambo at the age of fourteen, with rumors stewing that at 72 he has now switched to rumba. ↩︎
3. A translation into contemporary English gives us: “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.” ↩︎