Let’s Not Forget the Important Stuff

Starting in 2016, concerns circulated throughout the loyal Republican base about something genuinely serious: a pedophilia ring run by Democrats. Yes, that’s right. Just by Democrats. Something about being a Democrat closely aligned with pedophiliac tendencies and trafficking in pedophilia. 

It came to light during a search of Anthony Weiner’s¹ emails. Code words for pedophilia and human trafficking were also found in the emails of John Podesta.² Conscientious account owners on Twitter and all sorts of social media denounced the villains, describing their heinous acts in such detail that the reader wondered how they could know without having taken part in the unspeakable offenses everyone was so eager to read about. The news ignited a righteous buzz, which intensified into righteous anger, then righteous passion, then a righteous movement to annihilate all Democrats involved, which happened to be all Democrats. One outraged man from North Carolina traveled to Comet Ping Pong — a pizzeria in Washington D.C. hosting just such a child trafficking ring — to investigate his own self. To break the lock on a storage room door he had come prepared and shot that lock off a mile with his rifle. As misfortune would have it, the traffickers, their booty, and all paraphernalia had been snatched away just in time and dusted over with an exceedingly suspicious layer of pizza flour.  

But, wait! Those demonic Democrat pedophiles — never caught or identified — will have to be put on Hell’s waiting list because on February 6 President Donald Trump, the most righteous of all tweeters, announced PERHAPS THE BIGGEST SCANDAL IN HISTORY!

Yes, forget the pedophiles, forget the pizza, forget the anchovies, forget the cheese. Focus on USAID!³ In the cool, concise, sober, unequivocal terms that Trump alone has mastered, that statesman alerted us:

LOOKS LIKE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS HAVE BEEN STOLLEN AT USAID, AND OTHER AGENCIES, MUCH OF IT GOING TO THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA AS A “PAYOFF” FOR CREATING GOOD STORIES ABOUT THE DEMOCRATS. THE LEFT WING “RAG,” KNOWN AS “POLITICO,” SEEMS TO HAVE RECEIVED $8,000,000 . . . THIS COULD BE THE BIGGEST SCANDAL OF THEM ALL . . . THE DEMOCRATS CAN’T HIDE FROM THIS ONE. TOO BIG, TOO DIRTY!

So brace yourselves, dear, diligent, loyal, righteous (and perhaps fatigued) Republicans! Democrat pedophiles are no longer so important and no longer, it seems, so dirty. Donald has a new ride for you. Climb aboard! 

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1. Former politician who served as the U.S. representative for New York’s 9th congressional district from 1999 until his resignation in 2011. Weiner resigned from Congress in June 2011 after it was revealed he sent sexually suggestive photos of himself to different women, including a minor. [The adults could handle it. Weiner’s big mistake was sending salacious material to that minor.] Wikipedia contributors. “Anthony Weiner.” Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, 13 Jan. 2025. Web. 11 Feb. 2025. ↩︎
2. On October 7, 2016, WikiLeaks started to publish thousands of emails reportedly retrieved from John David Podesta Jr.’s private Gmail account, some of which contained controversial material regarding Clinton’s positions or campaign strategy. An American political consultant, Podesta served as Senior Advisor to the President for International Climate Policy from 2024 to 2025, as Senior Advisor to the President for Clean Energy Innovation and Implementation from 2022 to 2024, as White House chief of staff to President Bill Clinton from 1998 to 2001, and as counselor to President Barack Obama from 2014 to 2015. Wikipedia contributors. “John Podesta.” Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, 1 Feb. 2025. Web. 11 Feb. 2025. ↩︎
3. U.S. Agency for International Development, established in 1961 by President John F. Kennedy, implements programs in global health, disaster relief, socioeconomic development, environmental protection, democratic governance, and education. Although the Trump administration vilifies China’s “Belt and Road” initiative, which helps developing countries improve their infrastructure, boost their GDP, and promote world trade, Trump is attempting to shut down the U.S.’s powerful response to it, namely, USAID, which has been the largest official aid agency worldwide. ↩︎