“We’re Going to Treat You Very Well.”
Fifteen Greenlandless1 Greenlanders feasted on fish and caribou at Donald Trump Jr.’s special luncheon at the Hotel Hans Egede in Nuuk, Greenland, one cold day in early January around lunchtime, one has to suppose. Mystery cloaked the purpose of the occasion, but a wonderful time was had by all.
Don Jr. may not have handed out Make Anything Great Again caps to anyone. He says he did not. Taking him at his word, some alert souls among the modest crowd of homeless gathered there must have found just such caps lying mashed in the snow, picked them up, slapped them against their thighs to get most of the snow off, and put them on their heads. For they were seen to be wearing just such caps at the luncheon. For a homeless person, a cap of any sort is great fun.
While banqueters were busy getting as much fish and caribou as possible, that is to say, when they were least inclined to leave, Don Jr. called his dad and let Don Sr. address the feasters over speaker phone. Don Sr. reassured them: “We’re going to treat you very well.” Oh, boy. What good news.
Who wants to take charge of Greenland? Members of the American Brush Manufacturers Association have shown no interest.
Circumpolar peoples have inhabited Greenland for the last 4,500 years. Norsemen moved into the uninhabited southern part of Greenland in the 10th century. The Inuit arrived in the 13th century and now make up the majority of the self-governing island’s population. So who wants to take charge of Naalakkersuisut2 now?3
Not the American people. Not the august government officials those staunch citizens elected to serve them in the United States Congress. No member of the American Library Association has expressed interest. Nor anyone in the American Veterinary Medical Association. Those affiliated with the American Brush Manufacturers Association4 and its arch rival, the National Broom & Mop Association, have been silent on the matter. No Sierra Club hikers seem to want it. In all truth, neither the elite nor the hoi polloi ever thought about Greenland much. President Donald Trump certainly doesn’t want another 60,000 citizens to have to deny service to. However, the sad fact of the matter is that only President Trump can take a crack at getting Greenland for the real estate weasel Donald Trump who does want it. At nearly a quarter the size of the United States,5 it would be a big acquisition, and Trump is addicted to acquiring big, as Stormy Daniels knows.
“I think we’re going to have it,” Trump murmured to reporters on board Air Force One recently, referring to the island. “They want to be with us.”6 Trump forgot to mention that most Greenlanders live along the southwest coast, that is to say, on the side closest to Mar-a-Lago, that is to say, they obviously prefer Trump over Denmark and prefer Trump over their own independence. All they really want is to wear MAGA caps again and get served more fish and caribou luncheons. Trump also heard that they’re eager to put on little worker outfits to build a Trump Tower there.
Trump cautioned that he might have to use a little force to facilitate the benevolent takeover, much as he did with Stormy Daniels and E. Jean Carroll.
Although Trump knows Greenlanders want to join the United States, he cautioned that he might have to use a little force to facilitate the benevolent takeover, much as he did with Stormy Daniels and E. Jean Carroll. Trump does have Pituffik Space Base he can resort to. But Big Don is a reasonable guy. He’s not going to brandish a club he doesn’t have to, not just yet. Instead, he’s been honing a soft-power technique that slicker authoritarians use. It came to light most recently.
Colombia served as a splendid block for Trump to show his chops. Thank you, Gustavo Petro, for turning back U.S. military planes hauling deportees from U.S.A. to dump in your country. It gave Trump the perfect opportunity to have a little phone call with you.7
The master berater8 seared Petro’s ear. The rasping, caustic voice of power told Petro that 25% tariffs would be imposed on his country immediately, and if Petro didn’t roll over within a week, those tariffs would be doubled to 50%, banking and financial sanctions applied to the entire country, a travel ban issued for government officials and their visas revoked. Trump apparently couldn’t think of anything else. He stopped there. But Petro was satisfied.
Another big thank you, Mr. Petro, for backing down so quickly! Your brief but fierce resistance gave Trump a lovely chance to huff and puff without having to torch one of America’s top allies in Latin America. Not just yet anyway. Getting you to worry about if and when is one of Trump’s aces.
The Colombian skirmish was just enough to make global headlines, saving the U.S. president any further trouble. Greenland knows and Denmark knows and even Donald knows just exactly what must be done to get Denmark to gift him just what he always wanted: the biggest island in the world.
- They were homeless, which implies they were Greenlandless as well, wouldn’t you say? ↩︎
- The Greenlandic government. ↩︎
- Besides the Danes and the Greenlanders, that is. ↩︎
- Brushes and brooms are used in thousands of ways every day — personally, professionally, in industrial applications, and politically. ABMA serves to promote and preserve the long tradition of American manufacturing in this unrenowned but very important industry. https://abma.org/about/ ↩︎
- According to Wikipedia, Greenland comprises 836,330 square miles, the United States 3,796,742 square miles. ↩︎
- https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/jan/26/donald-trump-residents-greenland-us ↩︎
- https://www.nytimes.com/2025/01/26/world/americas/colombia-us-deportation-flights.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare ↩︎
- One who is highly skilled at berating, of course. ↩︎
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