“Bored! Me? I could wage war forever.”
“Move those things outta here. They look bad.”1
Commander in Chief Donald Trump gave the order, swishing the air with an arm to hurry the process along. As commander in chief of the Army and Navy of the United States and of the militia of the several States when called into the actual Service of the United States, Trump knew how to give orders.
The eight attendants split into four-man details and snapped to their positions alongside the two flag-draped coffins. Each grasped his assigned handle and, in careful coordination with the others, both in their detail and the other detail, heaved and lifted the coffins, then silently — oh, so silently — lumbered out of the room with their loads, disappearing the coffins along with themselves within moments of President Trump’s command.2 The first casualties of Trump’s Epic Fury had just received the nonexistent Congressional Medal of Honor3 and been as quickly dispatched.
In a surreptitious aside, President Trump whined to Walter Naughty, his hatcheck boy and favorite confidant. “Why did you let them bring those in here? No one wants to see that, the dead. It doesn’t look good for me. It’s icky.”
Walter Naughty squirmed, shrugged, and squeaked profound regret for the gaff.
Ever mindful of tempo, Trump promptly moved the ceremony along by providing, along with a roundup of his Operation Epic Fury, reassurances to the happy crowd assembled that he would never tire of war. “We’re already substantially ahead of our time projections, but whatever the time is, it’s okay. Whatever it takes. We projected four to five weeks, but we have capability to go far longer than that.4 We’ll do it whatever somebody said today. They said, ‘Oh, well, the president wants to do it really quickly. After that, he’ll get bored.’ I don’t get bored. There’s nothing boring about this. Do you agree with that, Pete? I don’t think there’s anything, Mr. General, boring about it. We also projected four weeks to terminate the military leadership and as you know that was done in about an hour so we’re ahead of schedule there by a lot.”
All excited, his rapt listeners itched to spring to their feet in paroxysms of adulation except for the recent news of the woman who got arrested for standing at Trump’s State of the Union address.5 Daunted by that jarring incident, the rosy-faced crowd confined itself to nodding vigorously and in unison, giving the impression a mild earthquake had hit, an effect not unlike what Trump rhetoric can have. Slight disorder did occur as murmurs of admiration got slightly rowdy. Each tried to out-murmur the others so the commander-in-chief might notice their bodacious loyalty even at such a grave and glorious, $1-billion-a-day time. Certainly all were relieved that President Trump wasn’t throwing any of their money away on those crappy programs he had so wisely squelched. There would have been nothing left for his sagacious, totally unforeseen, essential Epic Fury that he started, as Tinker Bell revealed, based on “a feeling based on fact”6 And on so many other things, that is, like Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s insistence.
“When I hear that sound, that beautiful sound of those pile drivers behind me, it means money. So I like it.”
Noticing their approval, a glowing Trump decided to share something he really cared about: “See that nice drape? When that comes down right now, you see a very, very deep hole. But in about a year and a half from now, you’re going to see a very, very beautiful building. And there’s your entrance to it right there. In fact, it looks so nice, I think I’ll save money on the doors because it can’t get more beautiful than that. I picked those drapes in my first term. I always like gold, but I think we can save a lot of money. I just saved curtains, and you hear those pile drivers out there? They go from 6:00 in the morning till 11:30 in the evening. And you know what? That’s a beautiful sound. I love it. When I hear that sound, that beautiful sound of those pile drivers behind me, it means money. So I like it. And by the way, let me say we’re pleased to be joined by Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. He’s busy. He’s busy. Very busy guy. In fact, I said, ‘If you want Pete, you can avoid it.’ And he said, ‘I don’t avoid this one.’ This one you wouldn’t avoid for anything, right, Pete?”
The Secretary of War rose stiffly, bowed briefly to the wildly applauding crowd, raised a fist, and barked: “Lethality!” The crowd went wild. The mild-mannered, self-effacing war secretary reseated himself and reluctantly lowered his fist.
“That’s right,” Trump approved. “We knew you wouldn’t avoid this for anything, right? I couldn’t avoid it, but I wouldn’t have avoided it anyway because I got to show my gold drapes and the big hole out there that’s going to be the most expensive ballroom you’ve ever seen that I’m saving money on because I know how to do that. Save lots of money. Some lucky people will get to watch my parties because, you know what? I’m starting a Congressional Medal of Honor lottery. Just 500 of my beautiful $USD1 crypto coins a ticket, or a thousand, or maybe ten thousand. I haven’t decided because everyone wants to watch my parties and, sadly, not everyone can. We have to set a bar. That’s the way it is. But the winner gets to come and watch one of my parties from my Rose Garden Club terrace. With all the windows lit up, it will be spectacular. So much to see from my terrace. You’ve seen my Rose Garden Club terrace? Beautiful limestone patio. Yellow-and-white striped umbrellas. Exclusive, optimal venue for five-inch heels. You have to pay for drinks, though, because our taxpayers, well, our taxpayers are going to be strapped, frankly, what with Epic Fury and this free ballroom I’m donating. Yeah, they’re going to be strapped and can’t be handing out all kinds of money for just anything. Now, before you go —”
“No no no,” the crowd chanted.
“Yes, you’re going to have to go because my war guy and I have work to do, don’t we, Pete? Big expensive bombs to drop, million-dollar missiles to fire, multimillion-dollar receptors to activate. It all gets more and more expensive, because our missiles keep getting better and better and better. You know what this is costing? I could build 14 ballrooms a week on what we’re using to take down that terrible terrorist regime. That’s why Pete and I never get bored. When we’re using up so much money, we pay attention, don’t we, Pete? Now before you go—”
“No no no,” the crowd chanted.
“Before you go,” Trump repeated firmly, “We have something special planned to make this occasion truly momentous. A momentous honor to bestow on some very special people that I love very much. These people are very important because without them there would be no Epic Fury to annihilate the world’s number one sponsor of terror and no deaths and none of these wonderful medals I just gave away and this nice crowd gathered here this morning. No, none of it would have been possible without the bravery of these very special people who took a stand for me some time ago even though they knew it was risky. Oh, yes, they knew it was risky to bring their spears and flagpoles and knives and guns, because you know what? You can’t conceal a spear. Very tricky to conceal a spear. I told them, you want to be careful about that, but I didn’t mind. I told them, ‘It’s okay. You bring your spears and swords’ — were there any swords? — guns, anyway. Lots of guns. Maybe not too many swords. But I told those security prudes, I said ‘I don’t effing care that they have weapons. They’re not here to hurt me. Take the effing mags away. Let my people in. They can march to the Capitol from here.’ That’s what they brought the weapons for. I knew it. That’s where they wanted to do their bashing. The people at the Capitol got a little nervous, I can tell you, called it an insurrection, but it wasn’t an insurrection, was it?”
“No no no,” the crowd chanted.
“It was a lovefest. They were there because they love me and they are very, very special. Where are they? Let them in. Let my people in. There they are!”
A mob surged into the press gallery, brandishing spears and flagpoles and knives and guns. One person had a fire hydrant, another a pitchfork.
A rumble of feet was heard overhead, which was drowned out almost immediately by a cheer as a mob surged into the press gallery, brandishing spears and flagpoles and knives and guns. One person had a fire hydrant, another a pitchfork. In the meantime, Trump motioned to someone behind the gold curtain and, lo and behold, the eight-man detail reappeared, each wheeling in a gleaming golden basin laden with what looked like treasure. With greatest alacrity, those basins were wheeled into a perfect line in front of the commander-in-chief and so close to where he stood that he could have reached out and caressed that treasure.
Instead, Trump raised his hands and pumped his fists, doing his little happy dance. He looked like a honeybee waggling and wiggling to show his bee buddies where the honey was. Everyone could see Trump’s honey was right in front of him, but he waggled and wiggled and pumped his fists anyway, his joy irrepressible. On resuming his ceremonial solemnity, he addressed the crowd in his cozy lullaby voice:
“You are about to witness, we are going to witness, I am going to conduct the largest giveaway of Presidential Medals of Honor —”
Someone behind the gold curtain hissed. Trump bent toward a figure that darted forward to whisper something to him. As Trump retook the podium, the whisperer disappeared perfectly behind the curtain.
“The largest giveaway of Presidential Medals of Freedom — that’s because it’s for civilians and the Medal of Honor is for military personnel and we never want to mix that up — I think I’ve got that right?”
Trump looked toward the gold curtain. The gold curtain jiggled briefly. Satisfied, the grave potentate continued:
“Yes, the most generous, biggest handout of Presidential Medals of Freedom ever witnessed in all of history. Here in these bins — I guess these are bins, are these bins? — in these tubs, gold tubs, I have a Presidential Medal of Freedom for each of the brave people who stood up for our republic on January 6, 2021, when everyone else was hiding, mostly in the Capitol under chairs and desks, I’ve been told.”
Turning and calling up to the gallery through which the steady stream of armed warriors and shamans continued to tramp, Trump cooed: “You are very, very special. We love you very, very much. You can come down now and collect your medals. One medal per person, please, because the taxpayer is kind of strapped right now.” Trump turned to his live seated audience. “By the way, we’re calling them by their new name: the Trump Medal of Freedom. Trump Medal of Freedom. Sounds good, doesn’t it? See? We put it on each medal. It’s on each one now. Just imagine, they had to redo all those medals because they forgot Trump.” Trump grabbed a metal from the nearest tub and smiled as he look at it. “Well, they’re right now.”
Again the audience erupted in appreciative murmurs and vigorous nods, still a little unsure about what in the age of Trump they were allowed to do to show they loved their president to bits.
Trump scolded his J6 warriors: “Whoever took two, give one back. One a piece. Five are missing. Who took two? We can’t pay for someone getting two.”
Awarding all those Trump Medals of Freedom didn’t go as exactly as planned. At the end of the rather long procession of J6 warriors slogging through the East Room to get their medals, the last five complained there were none left. Trump walked to the door that looked out onto the enormous deep hole in the ground where the most beautiful ballroom in the world would soon overshadow the measly stupid White House. It was around that great hole that the Trump warriors had been ushered and told to stand, medals in hand, until the ceremonies concluded. Trump wagged his finger at his J6 warriors and scolded: “Whoever took two, give one back. One a piece. Five are missing. Who took two? We can’t pay for someone getting two.”
The silent warriors stared solemnly at their president from their positions on the brink of that very deep hole. No one moved. No one admitted taking one or two or five medals too many. No one heard a word he said. The upshot was five very courageous insurrectionists, one of whom had brought the pitchfork, left empty-handed, except the pitchfork guy, who got to keep his pitchfork.
By the time he deplaned at Mar-a-Lago a fleeting two hours later, Trump had apparently found the missing medals because all five dangled from his neck suspended on their thick glossy ribbons.
“Kind of heavy,” Trump remarked to Walter Naughty, then responded to his confidant’s blank surprise: “I didn’t want to take them. I didn’t ask for them. But they said ‘Sir, Sir, please take them. Sir, you deserve them more than anybody.’ And I knew they were right, so I had to take them. Nobody deserves them more than me. It was protocol because everyone insisted.”
Walter Naughty nodded, then shook his head, then bowed, and indeed scraped a little but was careful not to grovel as his master, laden with his medals, moved cumbersomely toward his Florida mansion club. Only after Trump’s hulking shadow had merged with the interior shadows of the mansion club did Walter Naughty leap up and scamper after him, flitting past the Mar-a-Lago ballroom, past the most famous bathroom in the world, to find out if his tired master needed a pepper-upper. A Coke, maybe. Sometimes the weary, heavily traveled 79-year-old potentate just wanted a massage. The right kind of massage. Naughty was ready.
- While a strict literal translation of what Trump has not been preserved, every effort has been taken to faithfully reproduce the spirit of his words, that is to say, what he really means. Transcript of Historic WH Ceremony: President Trump Awards Medal of Honor Amid Major Iran Military Operation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=msepUzyIgZ4 ↩︎
- Strictly speaking, no coffins were brought into the East Room of the White House for the ceremony. Maybe Trump thought they were too icky, or maybe it was due to protocol. ↩︎
- The Medal of Honor (MOH) is the highest military decoration of the United States Armed Forces and is awarded to recognize American soldiers, sailors, marines, airmen, guardians, and coast guardsmen who have distinguished themselves by acts of valor. The medal is normally awarded by the president of the United States, who presents it in the name of Congress. It is often referred to as the Congressional Medal of Honor, though the official name of the award is “Medal of Honor.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Medal_of_Honor ↩︎
- This is enormous bluff on Trump’s part. He has no idea what the capacity of the United States is nor that of Iran. Weapons expert Ted Posner does. Assessed from various secondhand sources, Posner stated: “The United States at this time produces 50 patriots a month. You probably expended that in one day already, maybe more. THAAD interceptors* that they’re always carrying on about in Israel, we produce eight THAAD interceptors per month. The Standard Missile-3 interceptors** that they’re always talking about on the ships, we produce one a month. A Standard Missile-3 interceptor costs $30 million. A THAAD interceptor costs $13 million . . . The Israeli intelligence services estimate somewhere between 240 or 250, 250 or 300 medium-range ballistic missiles can be built every month by the Iranians. If that’s correct, very bad news for Israel. So keeping in mind that this is a war of attrition, it’s a war of endurance, and the Israeli population has to put up with this for the better part of a year or more because the Iranians, they’re not going to collapse.” Ralph Nader: “Let me suggest that it’s not going to be a war of attrition because Trump will pull out. He’s already talking about it.” Posner: “He can’t pull out. The Iranians are not going to stop. He has no choice. He started something he can’t finish.” Ralph Nader Radio Hour, March 3, 2026. https://www.ralphnaderradiohour.com/p/war-with-iran * A THAAD (Terminal High-Altitude Area Defense) interceptor is a specialized, truck-mounted US missile defense system designed to destroy short-, medium-, and intermediate-range ballistic missiles. ** The SM-3 (Standard Missile-3) is a ship-based interceptor designed by the U.S. Navy to destroy short- to intermediate-range ballistic missiles in space. ↩︎
- https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/feb/25/ilhan-omar-guest-arrested-state-union ↩︎
- https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-war-white-house-briefing-b2931933.html It is only a rumor that Trump’s pet name for his Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt is Tinker Bell. ↩︎