Underneath the Tattoos

The sophisticated argumentation at Pete Hegseth’s recent confirmation hearing was bulletproof. It went something like this:

Pete Hegseth never abused his second ex-wife. 
Therefore he should be Secretary of Defense of the United States.

Pete Hegseth never raped anybody.
Therefore he should be Secretary of Defense of the United States.

Pete Hegseth never mismanaged anything.
Therefore he should be Secretary of Defense of the United States.

Pete Hegseth never showed up drunk repeatedly anywhere.
Therefore he deserves to be confirmed Secretary of Defense of the United States.

There is never much to say when one answers as logically, concisely, and lucidly as Pete Hegseth did during this most exacting of confirmation hearings. Even when pressed on details during a fiercely scrupulous moral examination, Pete retaliated admirably:¹

His second ex-wife never hid in a closet.
She never gave friends a code word to rescue her when he went berserk.
She never feared for her safety.
He never assaulted a woman in a hotel room.²
He never jumped onto the stage of a strip club to dance with naked girls.
He never shouted anti-Muslim slurs three times in a row in a bar.³
He never bankrupted two minor NGOs.⁴
He never was allegedly accused of intoxication and sexual misconduct by any NGO.⁵
He never was forced to resign because he really left because he wanted to write a book.
He never reeked of alcohol when he showed up for work anywhere.⁶
So what if he never managed more than — well, he doesn’t remember how many people were there now. But it doesn’t matter because all his sex was sensual.

“Consensual.” 

Even those in the gallery heard the gentle, clear tones of the Speaker of the House⁷ helping Pete out. 

“What?” Pete turned on his attacker, forehead cocked to head-butt him into whimpering mush when out of that blur he recognized — just in time — the bland, friendly face of Mike Johnson. “What?” Pete asked more reasonably.

“Consensual,” Mike repeated with a gentle smile. “All your sex is consensual.”

Pumping a fist in the air, Pete turned to the senators. “Not ‘sensual, not worth it!”

Lo and behold, the senators cheered. They approved. They loved him. They understood. In deepest appreciation, Hegseth clapped his hand to his breast, as he had seen the richest man in the world do a few days before. And, just as that man had done, he slung his arm out in a lateral judo chop, imparting his undying gratitude to the frenzied group. 

“Lethality,” Pete cried jubilantly, his face rosy. 

“Lethality!” The crowd roared back, and they forthwith confirmed Pete Hegseth as the 29th Secretary of the United States Department of Defense. 

With a ton of stuff to do and not sure what any of that might be, Warrior Pete thought it best, as the first order of business, to clear his head by going on a teeny-weeny bender. 

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1. He denied everything. “Do and deny,” Pete remembers someone telling him. Really good advice. Who told him remains a blur, but he remembers the words: “Proving’s a lot harder than denying. Just make sure they can’t keep up. Just keep denying. The more you deny, the safer you are.” How very sage that advice proved to be. Who had told him that? Oh, well. A blur. ↩︎
2. She even said she wouldn’t say she had been. ↩︎
3. And he wasn’t drunk. ↩︎
4. He just spent all their money and wee bit more. ↩︎
5. He was just asked to leave both times. ↩︎
6. Pete Hegseth did not abuse alcohol. Pete Hegseth would never abuse alcohol. He loved alcohol, just like he loved his second ex-wife. ↩︎
7. Somehow that august personage had weaseled his way into a hearing he had nothing to do with. That’s politics. ↩︎